Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Emotional Clean Up and Rebuild

August 2009 came and I finally had space to breathe metaphorically.  On a practical level the clean up of my old life was largely done, however on an emotional and spiritual level it was clear that I had lots to accomplish.  Not only was my love buzz gone, but I was getting tugged around by my cravings.  When I feel emotionally balanced I just like eating right and exercising and sexual cravings are at a minimum.  Lets just say that in August I was not emotionally balanced.  I was having to suppress these desires which I know is not healthy. 
So I made some changes.  I was inspired by three books at this time:
1)  When Everything Changes, Change Everything;  by Neale Donald Walsch
2)  Intimacy;  by Osho
3)  The Eternal Quest;  by Yoganada
They all recommended the same advice... meditate.  So that's what I did.  Instead of just meditating in the morning, I added an evening session (close to four hours total daily!).  Yoganada inspired me to use more self discipline.  So instead of caving into my desires to sleep in and drink coffee everyday, I forced some changes in behavior (the true spiritual paradox is when to just embrace and accept a situation versus when to change).  Yogananda also reminded me how important it is to keep a continual dialogue with the Higher Consciousness.  At first this was hard because I no longer had my passion, I no longer felt the presence.  It seemed like I was just faking this internal conversation.  But I kept at it.  Whenever I found my thoughts drifting through out the day I reoriented them towards the idea that a Higher Consciousness was right there with me.  I was honest with this partner.  I felt anger at God for losing my natural high.  I was frustrated I did not have that natural passion.  So I just said to God, this is all I got right now.  I was persistent and intent, but I didn't have the emotional power to back it up.  I prayed for that passion and asked for that loving presence to return.
I understood that this was just a phase in the many seasons of my life.  I felt lonely and uneasy at this time, but instead of trying to distract myself from these emotions I allowed them to be.  I did my best to just embrace the situation and let life bring opportunities to me.  Whenever I felt a craving, I reminded myself that lasting happiness cannot be found there and I would mentally cling to the Higher Consciousness.  
Very subtle changes started to occur.  I noticed more spontaneous opportunities to help others arise (this is the most powerful fuel for evolution) and I took advantage of every one.  I frequently made a mental note that I could let go of whatever expectations I had for the future if the Universe showed me a better path.  As these weeks progressed I became intertwined in more lives which started to lift my mood.  People started to come to me for advice which helped generate a feeling of self worth.  Any doubts I had about successfully applying the "tall promises" of Mindbody Medicine were fading away.  I was learning more and more tools to heal old emotions.
During this period I also spent hours reflecting on my past with journaling and using the
Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) to let go of old traumas.  I knew my efforts were being rewarded, but progress was slow at this time.   

Sunday, December 1, 2013

The Dust Settles

Despite attempts to keep the family together, it became apparent it was a painful lost cause.  I was strong in my intent and my wife understandably could not join the passion.  She deeply wanted me to just "snap out of it".  Every decision she tried to make was like walking on broken glass.  She could not live life comfortably and also share my priorities. 
During this period of time I noticed my love buzz disappearing.  I could pull it back if I closed my eyes and focused or stopped talking, but it was not there spontaneously.  I also saw my old personality reappearing.  This was a difficult time.  I felt the world trying to force me back into the old role of Roger and I was losing my natural internal resolve.  I started to question whether this epiphany was real.  Just at this time I was reading more of the Cyberspace Ashram for more inspiration... and I got it.  I encountered a post called "Layers of Aura" .  This page described how some individuals can have there negative aura (which obscures our spiritual abilities) dissolved by some "outside help" to create a spontaneous spiritual experience.  And this is most likely to happen on December 24th or 25th due to the worldly loving atmosphere!!  This chapter created just the fuel I needed to realize that not only what happened was real, but that I was given a once in a lifetime chance to evolve! 
I saw no other option but to ask for a divorce.  I could not survive spiritually in that environment and my kids were getting exposed to more marital turmoil due to our opposing priorities. 
I continued to devour the website and finished it in April 2008.  At that point I was not sure of my spiritual path.  I imagined opening a holistic donation based clinic and living in the country.  However my wife had moved with the kids down to Metro-Detroit.  A divorce was pending and I learned that the court could force me to pay support based on my previous income.  I was confused.  At this point I communicated with the author of the website (he was the only person I trusted).  I was surprised that he recommended reconciling with my wife and definitely moving to Detroit to be available to my kids.  He confirmed that my dream clinic would have to wait until I satisfied the expenses of a divorce.  In fact true spiritual progress might not start until my kids were 18 years old. 
The delay was okay with me, as long as I had a clear path.  Between April and August of 2008 I undertook a major life overhaul.  I finalized a divorce, closed my clinic in Petoskey, moved my family and myself and let me home slip into foreclosure (I had no choice).  I opened a new clinic and decided to completely change the way I practice medicine to Mind Body Medicine.  I discovered travel neurology as a way to meet my expenses.  I also did my very best to be loving and accepting of my wife during the divorce process. 
After the dust settled in August and I finally found myself with a few spare moments I was concerned to discover I could no longer generate my love buzz even though I had been practicing the Kriya Yoga meditation!  Something needed to change.